I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
