I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
