proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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