woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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