so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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