i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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