I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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