got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
