i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
