Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
