I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
