I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
