Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
