She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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