his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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