I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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