I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
