I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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