Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
