so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
