My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
