If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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