After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
