Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
