a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
