so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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