You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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