I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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