I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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