I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's get the cat blown out
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
