Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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