I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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