Banned from zoo.
Again?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
