If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
not ubering you a puppy
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
