Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
