I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
