I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
