I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
