I wish i was in the wii world.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
