he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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