i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
