there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
