I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
