I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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