I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
