I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
