Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
