Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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