Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize