I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
