sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
