U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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