OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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