Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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