Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize