Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
