yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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