So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize