Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We are two peas in an std pod
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize