I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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