I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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