everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
