It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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