My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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