If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
